why we get in our own way (the neuroscience of self-sabotage)

breaking the cycle with curiosity, not shame

There’s a particular kind of frustration that comes from standing in your own way. You feel ready, motivated, even, to do the thing. Apply for the job, set the boundary, go on the date, start the project. And then, you don’t.

Or you start, and somehow you quietly unravel it. You overthink the email until it never gets sent. You ghost the person who made you feel seen. You skip the thing you know will make you feel better - movement, rest, reaching out.

We call it different things. Imposter syndrome at work. Commitment issues in relationships. Perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing.

At the core, it’s the same shape - a split between what we want and what we actually allow ourselves to move toward. And it stings, because often the desire is genuine. We do want the job, the connection, the peace. But something in us simply won’t allow it?

That tension, that internal mismatch, is what made me to write about self-sabotage. Because it’s not purely personal, it’s patterned. And while the experience feels messy and deeply emotional, there’s also something happening at the level of the brain.

Understanding those mechanisms (how fear, habit, and emotional memory get wired into our decision-making) has helped me make sense of why I sometimes act against my own interests. It doesn’t make it less frustrating, but it does make it easier to meet myself with compassion.

This piece is my attempt to map this experience through neuroscience (my comfort topic…); not to reduce it, but to better understand it. Because when we know why we self-sabotage, we’re in a much better position to shift the pattern - and maybe even forgive ourselves in the process.

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The Neuroscience of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is less about lack of willpower and more about the brain’s preference for predictability over progress. At its core, it’s a safety strategy.

When you move toward something uncertain (a big goal, a new relationship, a change in routine), your amygdala (the part of the brain that scans for danger) can interpret that as a threat. Not because it is, but because it’s unknown. And that’s often enough to trigger a stress response.

In that state, your prefrontal cortex (the region that handles long-term thinking, planning, and self-control) goes a bit offline. You’re no longer thinking about future outcomes; you’re focused on immediate safety and relief.

The dopamine system also kicks in. When under stress, it becomes biased toward short-term rewards. You reach for distraction, comfort, procrastination because your brain is trying to soothe you.

The thing is, avoidance often brings short-term relief - an internal reward that strengthens the behavior, even if it leads to long-term frustration. And that quick dopamine hit from procrastinating, avoiding conflict, or numbing out is often enough to keep the loop going.

And then there’s habit, habit, habit. The basal ganglia stores repeated behaviors as automatic routines. If your default response to discomfort has been avoidance, quitting, or perfectionism, those patterns can become ingrained, even when they’re unhelpful.

It’s not always logical. It’s neurological.

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The Brain Loves Familiarity

The brain is a pattern-detection machine. It clings to what it knows, even if what it knows is self-defeating.

When you repeat a behavior (hesitating before speaking up, avoiding difficult conversations, quitting before you start) it gets encoded in the basal ganglia. These patterns become automatic responses, not because they’re helpful, but because they’re predictable. And the brain loves predictability. It equates it with safety.

Even if something feels bad (self-doubt, perfectionism, playing small) it might still feel familiar, and familiarity is comforting to a brain wired for survival.

That often looks like:

• choosing short-term comfort over long-term success,

• sticking with painful patterns because they feel familiar,

• and avoiding change, even when change would help.

None of this means you’re inherently self-destructive. It means your nervous system is doing what it was trained to do - keep you in known territory. And those “training” signals often come from early experiences. Moments of criticism, shame, or instability that taught your brain what was safe to expect.

The good news, the brain is plastic. These patterns are learned, so they can be unlearned. However, they don’t shift through force. They shift through awareness, repetition, and self-compassion. That’s because sustainable change works best when your nervous system feels safe enough to allow it.

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Gentle Ways to Shift Self-Sabotage

For The Moment:

(when you’re about to spiral, freeze, quit, ghost, etc.)

• name the threat response. when you feel that familiar internal nope, try labeling it - oh! my amygdala is trying to protect me! this brings the prefrontal cortex back online, just enough to create a pause. naming the process reduces its power.

• do something slightly off-script. the basal ganglia loves routine, so give it a gentle surprise. if your instinct is to close the tab and walk away - take a deep breath and type one word. if you’re about to cancel plans - send a message that you’re still figuring it out. micro-interruptions can unstick stuck loops (like taking 24 seconds to watch this video before starting to spiral).

• offer dopamine alternatives. since the dopamine system favors short-term reward, swap sabotage with a small, satisfying win. light a candle before you write. reward yourself with a 5-min jam sesh after sending that email. your brain doesn’t need a big reward, it just needs something that feels good (perhaps, like this).

• give your sabotaging self a name. not to ridicule, but to lovingly externalize. then talk to them. it builds space between you and the reflex.

For the Bigger Loops:

(perfectionism, imposter syndrome, avoidance, etc.)

• track the pattern with curiosity, not criticism. the prefrontal cortex thrives on data. try jotting down when and how self-sabotage shows up. what’s the trigger? what’s the story your brain tells you? treat it like a low-stakes science experiment, not a self-blame spiral.

• practice safe exposure. if the amygdala treats success or authenticity as a threat, gently expose yourself to it. share a win with one safe friend. publish something imperfect. take one step toward something that matters, and then pause, breathe, and stay with the feeling. let your nervous system learn, i guess this didn’t kill me.

• rewire the reward system. set up rituals that make healthy risk-taking feel good. the brain will follow where dopamine flows. for example, light a specific incense when you work on hard things. make your to-do list with gel pens in rainbow order. and my personal favorite, putting on DJ sets when sending emails.

• leave notes to future you. the habit brain loves visual cues. write a sticky note on your mirror that says, your future self is proud. or hide a pep-talk note in your laptop bag. little surprise signals can gently nudge your brain out of old loops and back into intentional action.

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Breaking the Cycle with Curiosity

These strategies are not meant to overpower your brain. They’re about working with it - making safety feel safe, helping motivation feel rewarding, and slowly re-training habit circuits through consistency and kindness.

Self-sabotage loses its strength when it’s met with curiosity instead of shame. And change becomes possible, not through discipline alone, but through the slow (re-)building of trust between your nervous system and your conscious mind.

I used to be so hard on myself when I noticed I was self-sabotaging. Sometimes I didn’t even realize I was self-sabotaging - I just felt stuck and mad at myself for it. But understanding what’s actually happening in the brain has helped me shift that response. Now, when I catch it, I try to pause. Not to scold, but to notice. To say, oh! there’s that safety loop again! And in that pause, I get to choose - how I respond, how I care for myself, and what I do next.

That awareness, that ability to pause and choose, is powerful. It doesn’t mean you’ll never fall into the loop again. But it does mean you don’t have to stay there.

i hope this post gave you something to sit with. if it resonated, your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are fully welcome here (in the comments, community chat, or message me!) <3

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references (in order of appearance…more or less)

1. Funkhouser, E., & Hallam, K. (2022). Self-handicapping and self-deception: A two-way street. Philosophical Psychology, 35(3), 299–324. https://doi.org/10.1080/09515089.2022.2055915

self-handicapping involves intentional self-deception to protect self-esteem (research article)

2. Stoycheva, V. (2023, March 29). The real reason we self-sabotage—and how to stop. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-everyday-unconscious/202303/the-real-reason-we-self-sabotage-and-how-to-stop

self-sabotage is an unconscious survival strategy rooted in early adversity (article)

3. Sarinopoulos, I., Grupe, D. W., Mackiewicz, K. L., Herrington, J. D., Lor, M., Steege, E. E., & Nitschke, J. B. (2010). Uncertainty during anticipation modulates neural responses to aversion in human insula and amygdala. Cerebral Cortex, 20(4), 929–940. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhp155

uncertainty heightens amygdala and insula responses to threat (fMRI study)

4. Arnsten, A. F. T., Raskind, M. A., Taylor, F. B., & Connor, D. F. (2015). The effects of stress exposure on prefrontal cortex: Translating basic research into successful treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder. Neurobiology of Stress, 1, 89–99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ynstr.2014.10.002

stress impairs prefrontal cortex function and enhances amygdala reactivity (review article)

5. Lowes, D. C., & Harris, A. Z. (2022). Stressed and wired: The effects of stress on the VTA circuits underlying motivated behavior. Current Opinion in Endocrine and Metabolic Research, 25, 100388. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.coemr.2022.100388

stress alters VTA circuitry (review article)

6. Geng, C. (2024, June 24). Understanding the anxiety-avoidance cycle. Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/anxiety-avoidance

avoidance provides short-term relief but reinforces anxiety long-term (article)

7. Duhigg, C. (2012, March 5). Habits: How they form and how to break them [Interview with Terry Gross]. NPR. https://www.npr.org/2012/03/05/147192599/habits-how-they-form-and-how-to-break-them

habits form through a cue-routine-reward loop stored in the basal ganglia (interview)

8. Field, B. (2023, November 3). Self-sabotaging: Why does it happen. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/why-people-self-sabotage-and-how-to-stop-it-5207635

self-sabotage stems from low self-esteem, past trauma, and cognitive dissonance (article)

9. Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, Article 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227

feeling safe comes from how the nervous system shifts out of defense mode and allows social connection (review article)